Ode to 2012

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone had great holidays!! :)

As far as my last year "resolutions" I did make a dent in them, I blogged more than I did the prior year... But I think I had been refraining for a few reasons.

1. Insecurity.  One of my biggest and worst flaws.  I was seeing posts and stuff from other people saying how motherhood is not a competition .. blah blah blah.... Things along those lines... (not singling anyone out, I've actually seen it a lot, so if you think I'm talking about you, I'm probably not) lol

And I'll admit I've seen other bloggers/mothers seeming perfect and having a bunch of kids and still having the time to do so much and wondering HOW THE HECK DO THEY DO IT!! Seeming perfect... Do they ignore their  kids? Not sleep?  Maybe a combination of both?  I may have a bit of envy for those people that seemingly have it all together.  But I think what people perceive is exactly want they want to, perceive   I dont think they try (ok maybe some do), to come across as they have it all and everything is perfect.

I'm not perfect.  I dont blog to try to make people think I'm perfect.  I was taught that "business" shouldn't be out there, so I usually don't make "fights" or "struggles" super public, believe me if you knew my mom you'd understand.  Besides I'm not a fan of seeing facebook with those people that are constantly complaining, but I'm also not a fan of those people that post daily how lucky they are and how wonderful motherhood is, they're greatest gift is their child and the 10 pics a day of their kid... I get the feeling but sheesh tone it down a bit or start a blog cause then the people that want to see it, will look at it lol (FYI I feel the same about people that are constantly posting about politics, here's a million dollar idea, build a social media that connects to facebook (like a business page) that you can click on to join all the other people that want to talk about politics)  It's a rant for another day but I can't stand politics, most people are so fixated on their point they dont hear others, or worse they argue something they know nothing about or just follow the crowd... and it can get childish, people actually "defriend" people over it... I would rather not see it, I'm all for people having their own opinions, and I can understand wanting to share them, but there has to be a balance, some people are just too excessive.

Which gets me to, I try not to be a "mindless sheep" I actually think that's my biggest pet peeve, people that just follow the "in thing" and don't form their own opinions... So I tried to be the antithesis of mindless sheep, the anti-conformist... But I realized, that isn't really any better. So I try to be just me, do things that I like cause I like them, not cause everyone else is or isn't, evaluate every situation with an unbiased perception, it's not always easy, but it's what I try to strive for.

So in trying to be that person I'm not going to care if people think I'm "trying to hard" to be a good mother. I'm not going to care or try to react to things when someone thinks I'm lying about something (like I heard through the "grape vine" that someone thought I was lying that Declan walked at 10 months, so I immediately took a video of it, and posted. I dont want to be that person either that plays into other people's idiocracy, [it's a real word cause I said it is lol])

2. I'm a little cynical.  I don't really want to blog too much about my opinions, it's more of friends and family to keep up with our lives cause we're not always around to do so.  Sometimes I feel I might as well be in another state cause we're off in our own little bubble. But when I see things that "irk" me, I usually write about it, and keep it to myself, erase it later, (I dont want to get "ballsy" and post it).  I've humbled myself a lot since Declan... I learned not to judge as much, more importantly to pick battles wisely.  For instance I saw several people posting this e-card.

It made me a little livid, probably more than it really should... but it seems like people think they're so much better than stay-at-home mom's cause they go to a job.  (Maybe that was not the intention but it hit a soft spot for me) And, I know there is a lot, A LOT, of people that think it has to be easy and they wish they could do it.  Every situation, every family, is different.  Granted the person that stays at home, hires a nanny, and a cleaning person, doesn't have it that hard... neither does the parent that works, is around their kid for two hours every day before they put them to bed, and drops them off at their parents/or has a sitter on the weekend.  I often think about how hard I have it (and believe me, I used to wonder why someone wouldn't have their house spotless when they're at home all day), but I do everything with Declan! Not saying anything about David but he leaves at 8:45am gets home about 7/7:30pm every day.  I have dinner ready (Declan is the GROSSEST eater ever, seriously) IMMEDIATE bath, brushing teeth, diaper and jammies (which takes about 10 min because he knows bed time is coming and fights putting night clothes on), stories, kisses, bed, by that time it's 8:30.  I honestly don't think it's fair to David to make him (or rather expect him) to take the reins when he gets home (though, hon, if you're reading this, rinsing our plates after dinner would be nice, not sure if I've suggested that or not :-p) , I know most people won't believe this but it's a ton of work being a stay at home mom.  I know David doesn't think it's hard cause he made comments on it... but his work I know is exhausting too, and he's doing it to provide for us... now weekends are a different story.  Saturday is usually family day (so Declan can actually see his daddy for more than the hour a day) and Sunday David wants to work on projects, with the intention of it could potentially bring in money, and be good for our family.  So, how can I really deny that, but it leaves no room for me really.  As soon as I start to feel a little sorry for myself I think of single parents who have no one (though I'm exhausted and at a bit of a breaking point), or "military wives" who live in different cities and countries where they dont know anyone, do everything on their own, and have the added pressure of worrying about their significant other. I dont really have it that bad.  But it's hard hard work to stay at home, you can believe it or not, just don't judge it or think you're superior.  It's one of the hardest choices you make, to work or stay at home, I'm lucky I got the choice, some people don't.  I don't judge people that don't have to work, just want to.  I may even have considered it, part time at least, if I had my mom around to watch Declan, but there really isn't anyone close around us that can take that pressure off... I dont want to leave him with a family member or friend (the family you choose for yourself) that he never sees, and leaving him with someone I dont know is out of the question, lets just say I did research, some of the things I found were pretty horrifying about day care, the people they hire, they way they're treated, how unsanitary it is, exposing him to various disease (kids with older siblings giving it to the younger, them bringing it to day care). My BIGGEST deciding factor was a bit selfish, I want to witness my childs firsts, but more importantly I dont want him liking "the nanny" or someone better than me lol.  I want all his love and to be the person he wants when he gets a "boo boo" it would kill me to have him want someone else, heck it even makes me sad when he wants David and not me.. it doesn't happen often but when it does...  So again I don't judge people that work, and they shouldn't judge people that don't.  It's a hard choice, you made yours, I made mine... I wish there was no judgement either way... but again (at least for a mom like me who tries to nourish her child in every way possible and doesn't let much TV watching take place) staying at home is just as tough (though I would argue that it's harder, but I have no base of comparison) as going to a job.

So my other resolutions, I did not start my etsy store, but I kept plenty busy with orders and made quite a bit!  I'm not sure I can start an etsy store.  It takes a lot of time to crochet one item, a lot of time.  I just don't want to get overwhelmed, and I dont like the pressure when I never know how my "time" is going to go.  Though I got a sewing machine (YAY!!) It's time to learn to sew, the few sewing projects I've done (just the appliques) didn't take much time, and I did them by hand, so imagine if I use the sewing machine, it's a possibility I could do it that way.

My photography! I actually made more than my camera worth! Which was my primary goal, to make more than the camera, mainly so I felt that the expense was worth it.  Though I think if I wouldn't have I still would've thought that it was well worth it, I've had some great shoots with Declan and am pleased, priceless photos.  I studied lot and am pretty good at photoshop now, not to mention the new photoshop is AMMMMMMMM (wait for it) AAAAZZZIIINNNGGG!!  :)  I'm very please with my photography, I just wish I could do it more, it was easier to have shoots when David was home, so he could watch Declan, but with his schedule now, I usually only get Saturday or Sunday. I often discount my price if it's at the park by my house so David can watch Declan while he's sleeping, and I dont have to go to far. New goal is to make a website.

Weight. UGH I'd rather not go there, the plan to "bring sexy back" failed, I will try again...  Now that I'm less busy I'm hoping to eat healthier and try and work out when Declan naps... BUT I hope the working out part "works out" lol. Declan is this [] close to crawling out of his crib (he craws over and hangs on the rail but seems a little too scared to "drop" it's a long way down, but his "time out", in the play yard, he's out of there easy peasy, now I have to think of another way to do time out).  I really dont see nap time being successful with out his crib... I was hoping to keep him in there at least another 4 months lol.  Pray.


So new goals are pretty much the same as the old, I just need to progress farther, so I'm thinking of making a "blogging day" cause I work better with schedules rather than just doing it whenever I feel like it, I'm thinking Wednesdays, or Thursdays... we shall see!